Fuck Fantasy.

Ill admit it... I have a weakness... girls in jerseys. If you have the vitriol to outwardly represent someone else, I wanna know about you... beers on me. barstoolsports.com commits itself to giving frat boys a chubby, and I have an affinity for the weekly blog 'Dumping Em Out.' But after week 2 of the NFL football season, I implore Dave Portnoy to diverge from a pizza review and report the perils of "poor me another." Sorry SVP, 'Bad Beats' doesn't strike the heart like the devastation of a true fan's scoreboard.

I play fantasy in each of the major sports, but Fantasy Football is in its own colosseum. ESPN reports that 12 million people use their service to pursue statistical victory. For those who don't play, here is a video to explain the nuances of the weekly nervous breakdown:

YAHOO SPORTS 😄

I chose this emoji because I find sports satisfies my appreciation of God given anatomical gifts and the excitement of competition... but a better emoji of how i feel today is 🥲. Here's why:

Phili fans are its own breed. As a major city, Philadelphia has multiple teams in multiple sports, but they are known to be ruthlessly critical and downright aggressive in support/derision of their sports franchises.

Family first. My ancestors settled in Philidelphia after immigrating from Ireland during the potato famine. My bloodline has remained in The City of Brotherly Love ever since, and I am proud that we have blossomed into supportive, successful, and outstanding people. Like many, our family has their own Fantasy Football League... cuz friendly family competition is healthy right???

Me, my brother, and my uncle live in the Northwest, so our team name is 'West Coast Offense'. Having a funny team name is as important as your draft position. The most popular team name this year is 'Hock Tua' (sorry honey) alluding to the Miami Dolphins quarterback Tua Tagovaiola.

Its only the second week of football and the star quarterback has suffered his 4th career concussion... an injury that draws into question whether the most violent game in the world is worth permanent damage. Think about it.

I am playing Chris/Rudy (apparently not as creative and clever as we are on the west coast) and they had the misfortune of having Tua as their quarterback. Consequently, because of getting his head beat in, he only scored 3.5 points. This should be a walk in win for WCO. As Sunday came to an end, the Tualess team was winning 101 to 59.

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Philadelphia Eagles vs Atlanta Falcons

Lincoln Financial Field

September 16, 2024

Monday Night Football

The game is intense, back & forth, 6 lead changes... whatever you wanna call it. It came down to the last 2 minutes, but JK62 back in the building

https://x.com/TheAthleticNFL/status/1835837532556378489

Much to the chagrin of our cousins, we selected Jalen Hurts, quarterback for the Philadelphia Eagles and icon for the franchise. He has patented The Brotherly Shove aka the quarterback sneak. Last year's success rate was 87%. Everyone knows what's coming... first down Phili.

Coach Nick Siriani makes a move, and calls a play action putting running back Saquon Barkley in the flat for an easy first down. With no more timeouts, this would have sealed a victory for Philadelphia and elation for the Eagles' newest star. But nooooooooooo... Barkley drops the ball. FUCK!

I am sitting on the couch seeing Eagles up 6 and disaster strikes. Kirk Cousins, with ink still drying on a 4-year 180 million dollar contract, goes 6/7 and 70 yards for a touchdown. The only sound you could hear in the city of Philadelphia was the Liberty Bell.

Jalen has to go get points with 30 seconds left for a win... but I had already had a fantasy victory right????????

With the contributions of Jalen Hurts and Falcons RB Bijan Robinson, we had amassed 101.5 points, narrowly defeating our cousins.

PICK.

Chris/Rudy: 101

West Coast Offense: 99.5

Unfortunately, I have to spend $ on CeeDee Lamb, the cowboys receiver, in order to stay alive in my Guillotine League. There's Eagles fans who would rather die. Go Birds!